Thursday, April 22, 2010

Love Relationships, Romance, Rejection, and Taking Care of You

Relationships, especially romantic ones, can be tricky.

Love means different things to different people. There are as many different definitions of love, and ways of expressing it, as there are people on the planet.

We all have a completely unique perspective on love and relationship. Each person has watched their parents and other adults, seen movies, and gone through their own experiences. The relationships they have had with their parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, and former romantic partners all come together to create their view of the subject of love. Often, it's what they didn't get themselves that they then give to another to show their love and appreciation.

Sadly, romantic love almost always involves emotional pain at one time or another. It can begin in early childhood when family or friends treat you unkindly. Later, you may have a crush on someone who doesn't reciprocate those feelings. As you grow older and romantic relationships get more complicated, it's hard to escape some form of emotional pain when it ends.

When the person you are in love with leaves you for another, well it can be devastating. Sometimes other people interfere, tell lies, manipulate you or the other person, causing  problems and even total destruction of your relationship.

I've been romantically involved - "going together," dating, or being married - for the past 35 years. Wow - that is a very long time. After my 10-year marriage ended, I went through this deja-vu time of reconnecting with old boyfriends. In particular, I ended up re-connecting, and dating, every one of the guys who broke my heart somewhere along the way. What a crazy, and fun, experience.

I was amazed to find out that one of the guys that I was truly in love with, also had loved me way back when. It turns out that a certain girl we both knew had fed him a lie, and he had believed it. We were both in love and the other never knew it. How ridiculous. And at the same time, how wonderful to find out that I wasn't really rejected, defective, not enough, blah blah, as I had once thought.

The problem with feeling rejected, is that it seriously damages self esteem. Enough of this from relationships gone bad, and a person ends up a mess. The relationships they draw to themselves reflect their poor sense of self, their feelings of unworthiness, and they take on this sticky pathetic energy of "please love me." Or, they become mean and cranky.

Before you can draw to yourself a truly loving, empowering partner, you have to heal your own wounds from past relationships. (I encourage you to check out freeway to freedom and my newest Dancing Dolphin product: "Purity of Essence." Follow that up with Dancing Dolphin "Divine Love" and you will be amazed at the difference!)

If you are kind and honest and in a relationship where the other person is not, it usually takes a little while to figure that out.

There is the euphoria in the beginning - the honeymoon period. You see everything through rosy colored glasses. You feel fabulous. The world looks wonderful. The other person seems perfect. This tainted view can last awhile - 3 months to 3 years - in some cases. (This not only applies to love relationships, but to jobs, friendships, and every new thing. At first we tend to not see it clearly.)

And then the real person begins to come through. Their "warts" start to show. I'm talking about the qualities, habits, and other attributes that aren't really in alignment with who you are or what you want in relationship.

A truly empowering relationship can only happen when someone knows who you are (warts and all), and is delighted, honored even, to be with you. The only way to have someone "adore" you though, is if you also adore them. Not putting them on a pedestal, but truly feeling blessed that they are in your life.

Acceptance and appreciation are the hallmarks of empowering relationships. I'm not talking about false flattery. I'm talking about true appreciation for who the person is and what they mean to you. Every person in your life is a gift - be it spouse, child, parent, friend, or a total stranger. Treat them as such.

If you are with someone who makes you feel bad in any way, drains you emotionally or energetically, then its time to get out. You are being dis-empowered, and it will only get worse over time.

When either person is taking the other for granted, speaking unkindly, using guilt or other forms of manipulation to get their own way, everyone loses. You have to love yourself enough to say "no more." You have to love and appreciate yourself enough to know that you are worth being happy, being treated kindly, and being loved.

Unfortunately, depending on how long you have been with someone, it can be very complicated to get out of it. This is especially true if you are married, have children, work together, and such.

Regardless of the potential heartache involved in relationships, I believe in a couple of things: "Life is either a daring adventure, or it is nothing" - Helen Keller, and "It's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." I don't know who came up with that.

I am, and forever more will be, an optimist about everything and a true romantic at heart.

How about you?

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Jesus Teaches Love - And That Includes Your Enemies

We've been talking a great deal on Facebook about a particular hate group coming to Virginia Tech in Blacksburg, Virginia to protest at the university and the high school. This organization apparently believes that the shooting that took the lives of some many people at Tech was God's wrath for the community's sins. Lots of people are outraged by the organization and their comments.

I find situations like this very insightful. It forces us to look at who we are and what we believe. Do we become as angry and judgmental as they are? I certainly hope and pray that we do not. We disagree with their interpretation of the scriptures. We find their behavior and judgment very offensive. They could easily cause us to feel angry and judgmental. But is that who we want to be?

There is an amazing story in the Life and Teachings of the Masters of the Far East where a band of marauders was about to attack an unarmed village. The people of the village were frightened. Jesus went out onto a balcony and exuded love. The marauders became confused and they turned upon one another. When it was all over, not one villager was injured. And the people from the village then went out and tended to the wounded.

Love is the greatest power in the universe. It is the only thing that has ever healed anything. How many holy wars have been fought on this planet because people believe different things about God? Anger, hatred, judgment has never done anything except cause pain and sadness.

When you fight "against" anything, you give it more power.

One can take actions, one can stand for something, one can say "No" without having to resort to anger, hatred, and judgment.
Love thine enemies is definitely not an easy task. Yes? Yet if you think about Jesus and what he would do, you know he would not be yelling insults and wanting to dismember someone. He would most likely do exactly the "right" thing that would cause them to stop or see with new eyes. But I seriously doubt he would do it with hatred. We have heard him pray this prayer - "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do."

Situations like this happen for a reason. It is in our world, and our back yard, so that we can learn something and grow. What can we learn about love and about ourselves through this situation? Who can we become as we are faced with this situation and these people so full of hate and judgment?
"Lord make me an instrument of thy peace." - St. Francis

Fill your heart with love and let your life be an example,
Debbie "Takara" Shelor

You Have to Heal the Past in order to Manifest Your Dreams

If you are interested in manifesting your dreams, then you really need to look at healing your past.

In The Secret you lean that you have to get clear about what you want, visualize it, feel it, and then it will magically happen. They sort of left out the part about taking action. There are also teachers and training programs out there that teach you to figure out what you want and then take massive action in order to make it happen. There are problems with both approaches. Actions are required. The problem is that many people have a hard time sustaining actions when they have not permanently handled their fears and limiting beliefs.

When those things from the past have been healed, it is much easier to manifest your dreams. Healing the past
makes it MUCH easier. In fact when you've healed the past, the rest becomes much less effort. 

When your beliefs and dreams aren't truly in alignment - for example you want to accomplish X, but you have worthiness issues standing in the way - you tend to sabotage yourself. It is hard to stay consistent or persistent toward your dreams and goals when you haven't healed the past.  Staying focused and taking action - particularly inspired action - requires much more effort when you are fighting against your own internal demons.

When the demons are gone - forever - well its so much easier to get clear about what you want, align your feelings with that, and take actions with confidence.

It is the difference between doing and being. When things are out of alignment, you have to force them, and you have to do, do, do to get anywhere. When things are in alignment (not by force or overriding the underlying programs, but because they truly are in alignment), then opportunities, people, insights, just seem to magically show up.

Yes you have to take actions, but only inspired actions. Not the endless doing of a person trying to force their dreams to become real. But the natural allowing of the person who has become what they need to become inside in order for their outer reality to reflect their desires with little effort.

Have a fabulous day,
Debbie Shelor a.k.a. Takaara 

Sunday, April 4, 2010

May You Be Blessed this Glorious Easter

With the ushering in of Easter comes a new sense of hope. 

Winter is over (for most of us anyway). And the whole of nature rejoices as Spring kicks into high gear. New energy, new life, new ideas are bursting forth. 

Give thanks where it is due. Rededicate yourself to whatever it is that you are about. Get clear about the direction you want your life to go in. Seek clarity and wisdom from on high.

Listen for that still small voice. 

Know in your heart that you are loved - no matter who you are, where you've been, what you've done, or not done. 

Every day is a new day. Every moment is a new moment. You can continue in the same direction. Or you can change absolutely everything. It is entirely up to you. 

Enjoy the glory of this day! Rejoice and be glad in it!

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